How exactly do you tell somebody ‘Today’s the day you’re going to die’?
The short answer? You don’t. At least…I don’t.
When I was a temp I tried to be all Edgar Allen Poe about it, but the poetic nature of death becomes awfully tiresome when your audience doesn’t appreciate the effort you put into their demise. You’d be surprised how narcissistic some people can be in their final moments before taking the big plunge. That’s just one of the reasons I can barely stand to be around humans, but you’ll learn more about that shortly.
For now though, why don’t you just sit back, relax, and enjoy the vicariousness of other people’s suffering? Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds. You do it every day. You watch the News, you read the paper, you scroll through your so-called Newsfeed, all the while keeping a straight face. This won’t be any different, I assure you. And who are you not to trust me? After all, I’m the narrator, the newscaster, reporter on the scene.
So go ahead. Trust me.
There. That was easy, wasn’t it?
Now we can really begin.